It's Not Always About The Funny...

I promised Meleah of Mama Mia, Mea Culpa that I would be brave, dig deep and post about my demons (which I rarely do).  [I think I've actually ended up in China] Meleah's walking a hard road, and I seem to have a lot of friends (Sarah) and family that are also struggling right now with life. My post started to look like the Encyclopedia Britannica so I decided to not reinvent the wheel as you will see below.

I may say that writing about demons is not really what my blog is all about, but that's not quite true.  Meleah made me remember, if I truly want to be honest with myself, why I don't just write this blog for the funny, humorous ways I try to look at things. A way to try to understand why things happen the way they do and that all tears that are shed are not necessarily bad. 

This blog started as a place for me because I don't just want to write, I need to write, and this includes those very few serious posts that dig deep and allows me to rip off the bandage of a hurt to air what is festering within me beneath the surface.  To help heal and be at peace with what causes deep pain within me.  This blog is part of what helps me to stay on track.  It's my map and it almost always shows me the right way. In truth, I find I sometimes have gotten lost without it. I need this compass to reset me in the right direction. 

I keep this blog public because I have found, to my surprise, that I am not alone in my troubles and that is heartening.  I have been told that sometimes, my posts touch and helps to soothe something in someone else's life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary and the depressing things are all aired like dirty laundry. Knowing that what helps to heal me helps others is humbling.

So I want to share what this blog means to me. It's a commitment... I believe a commitment is to keep going even when you knowingly or unknowingly let life knock you on your ass.  A commitment is when you try even harder to reach that goal no matter how many bricks are placed in your path, it is a determination to adapt, adjust and overcome. To use those bricks to build a solid foundation that won't allow you to crumble. A commitment is when you look at that brick wall and you automatically start looking for ways to go around it, under it, over it, breaking through it, or when necessary, you paint it with a picture of what you are committed to attaining and then you find a different road to your goal.  

Jimmy Dean once said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

I am like every other human being and get discouraged, lost, depressed or sometimes feel unappreciated.  I need reminders of what is important.  New Year resolutions are an excuse to wait for a certain day to make a commitment to something better for you, your friends or your family.  Just like Alice in Wonderland, instead of celebrating ONE birthday, we should be celebrating EVERY UN-BIRTHDAY.

I have many goals and blessings to remember and be thankful for.  If reading any of this helps someone else take a good long look around on the road they are on, where they are really going, and helps to scrounge up the courage to take that first step that may start a journey of a thousand miles for them, then the fear and humiliation of sharing these things are more than worth it to me. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I choose to look at myself as a work in progress whenever I can.

With all this in mind, I give you my thoughts on the toughest things I've ever faced.  Not for pity, not for attention, not for someone else's amusement.  This is for those who come here to read about keeping it together.  To find humor or a different way of looking at a problem. A different perspective. I pray that I have been lucky enough to have painted many clear mental pictures and that you will find somewhere in the middle of it all a small nugget that will 'speak' to you, maybe give you some small measure of peace...

Feel free to skip this post. This post is not about the funny. There are many people do not want to read of someone else's troubles and how they got through them and I can totally respect that.  I'll be back to the funny soon.  For those that want to know what has kept me sane despite the lobbing of so many lemons then go ahead and click only on those things you feel a need know. There are 11 posts (out of over 500 posts I've written here and on my previous blog) and I doubt anyone one wants that much of me in one day... at least without some serious chocolate or libation. :)  Yes, there are always hints of humor, but I've truly never been more serious in my life. The humor merely helps to ease the pain.

First, I think it's important to know the definition of courage, bravery and change. I used to think I was never brave. That I was a coward all the time for not handling events in my life better.  I was wrong and maybe it's time for you to find out you are too.

Learn to celebrate the little things in life.  “It is not always possible to live in the moment, but when the opportunity does present itself….do not waste it for it is precious and may not come again.” ~ Lemon Stand

Remember to count your blessings. "When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself."  ~ Tecumseh Shawnee Chief (1768-1813)

Do not allow your past to ruin or take away your future.  Remember, "A man whose yesterdays rest on his horizon travels forward into his past.  The result is that he goes a very long way to nowhere." ~ Catherine Anderson

I have a very deep and personal relationship with depression and if the winter blues or any other form of the depression gets you down.  You are NOT alone.  Far from it.  These were the hardest of all my posts to write. There is no deeper digging that I could do. Depression and PTSD are the 'Nessie' (of Loch Ness fame) in my life and I tried to explain how it affects and has affected my family.  

I've written about Alcoholism. My father's to be exact.  His story is so sad because it is very common.  Then I wrote about the legacy he left me and my final understanding of the 'why' of it and how I escaped his fate.

And lastly I have written about how I can look back and laugh at it all and have discovered there truly is an Instruction Manual of Life.
 

Nessie And I...

Yes, Nessie The Loch Ness Monster,  and I are on a first name basis, but we will never be BFFs!  Nessie and I have been fighting and it's turning into a no-holds-barred, no-rules-applied, knock-down, dragged-out fight.  As I sit here writing this, it's sounds rather comical and if life were all puppy dogs and rainbows this would actually be comical.  As it is, though, there are times when my own personal 'Nessie' wins no matter how hard I fight it.  No matter how many times I tell myself (and everyone around tells me) that there are so many others who have problems that are way more serious than mine.  Most of the time, this works.  But for someone who battles severe depression, panic attacks and PTSD up close and personal, there are times when that statement only makes things worse. 

Of course I know that I am in a way better place than most people.  Here's the thing, though.  Within that very vivid awareness of those other people... my problems are just not important.  I'm not important.  Sometimes, this statement just says, "I have absolutely no right to the emotions and feelings that I am fighting."  Which is why I do not write when I am in this terrible place.  It is why I do not call when I am in this terrible place.  It is why I seem to disappear off the face of the planet and it is why I don't even leave my house when I am in this terrible place.  What right do I have to complain over something I have no control over?  And do you want to know the worst part of all this?  It's the effect it has on my family.  They hurt for me.  They worry for me.  They have learned that they cannot not count on me when I am here in this terrible place.  Which also makes them question whether they can count on me when I am not in this terrible place.  How do you think that makes me feel right at this moment?

It also has an enormous effect on my friends.  They feel they are just not important enough to me when I don't call.  They feel the burden of friendship with someone who they can't be around because it brings them down.  I don't think they're aware that I know how I effect those around me.  That because I care a great deal for them, I do not want to do that to them?

Shielding everyone I care about from the worst of the effects of depression, panic attacks and flashbacks is the only way I can keep going.  Why would I want to share that much despair and misery?  I hope I never turn into that kind of person.  They hurt and have to deal with enough as it is because of me and this incurable illness.  It's a mythical illness to most people, because they can not see or feel how you bleed inside.  Your wounds are not visible, therefore they are not real to them. 

If I have to battle it out with Nessie, then I would rather drag her to my doctor's office where she can't effect those people who are most important to me.  So yes.  It means they can't count on me when I am away at war, so to speak.  That hurts more than anyone could know, but you want to know what would be worse?  The idea that I would ever bring that war home with me.  No.  This is a battle where only I can see the enemy.  Therefore that enemy is as invisible to everyone else as if it were the Loch Ness Monster (only without the colorful and interesting myths surrounding it). 

By the way, this does not mean I am deliberately isolating myself at home with no battle plan in mind... a backup battle plan... and even a backup for the backup battle plan.  It means that I am aware of the need to take care of 'me' so that I can go back to taking care of everyone else.  It is mentally tiring to avoid saying anything negative when I am at this point, so talking with family and friends about anything more important than 'what's for dinner?' becomes very difficult, if not impossible.  Those conversations I save for my therapist.  At least I try to, but there are still times when I can hear myself saying something and cringing in horror inside, but unable to stop the severe diarrhea of the mouth.  I sound bitter, angry, ugly, selfish, and the rest of the negative adjectives Mr. Webster ever published... and a few he probably never even considered.  I decided long ago that when telephone conversations became so stilted and mentally draining by the effort of not just breaking down and crying, it was best not to place the call in the first place.  It's also time to seek more time with the doctor and therapist.The effort to communicate also includes handling the labeling consequences.  The expression on people's faces when, for some reason, I have to explain to them why I am acting like someone just revoked my access to oxygen or I that I have PTSD is almost universal.  Their expressions say, "Oh, my God!  Is she going to go postal?" or "I knew there wasn't something right about her." or "Depression is contagious." If there is one thing I am sure of, it's that I am NOT insane, nor has it ever crossed my mind to hurt anyone (regardless of how irritating they are... although I might make an exception for the person who has been doing the 'snow dance' lately).  As for the "Depression is contagious"?  I'd have to agree with that one.  But it's also true that "Happiness is contagious." 

I think the best way to describe depression and PTSD to give others a frame of reference here is...  depression is like a cold of the mind instead of cold of the body.  If left untreated, it can turn into pneumonia of the mind.  And yes.  Just like this cold bug, untreated, it can eventually kill you.  Even when the worst of the battle is over, just like recuperating from any other severe, physical illness, it takes time to get back on your feet.  I have often wished that I would turn as blue as a Smurf when this hits, so that everyone can see I'm getting sick and then everyone can see when I am better. 

I am so very aware of the effect I have on my family, friends and the world around me, so it's important for me to heal from my invisible illness.  It is why I try to write of good things.  Happy things.  Humorous things.  There is not one person on this flipping planet that does not need something to smile, laugh or feel good about.  It is why I try to go out of my way especially when I am depressed to do something nice for someone else.  It doesn't only make them feel good.  It makes me feel like I can still share a smile, and that if I can do that, then I'm going to be ok.  It might take me a while, but I now know I am going to be ok.

[PS.  Most of my family and friends do not know about my writing outside of this blog, so I'm going to finally  link to a post over at SpouseBUZZ about the "Winter Blues" and depression in general I wrote a while ago.  I included some really great links about what depression IS and what it ISN'T.  And that is really where "Nessie" got her name...(and yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner]

Digital Copy Or Hardcover?

I ran across a post today that it seems I have stronger beliefs about than I thought. I have an eReader, but there are some author's and/or books that I will NEVER get in digital format. There is something about holding a physical book in your hand. I don't know if it's the paper, the smell or just the solidity of holding an actual book in my hands that just can not be captured by an eReader in my humble opinion. 


In addition to preferring hardcovers to digital format for certain authors and or books, if I run across a ebook that I think I would like to read again, I usually buy it in hardcover if it is available. What I REFUSE to do is pay hardcover price for a digital book! Not ever going to happen! 

The only two positive things about digital books that I can say is that I appreciate the fact that I can read books at night while I lay next to my husband in bed without the bother of a book light, and that it has given me the opportunity to try new authors and take advantage of free book offers and/or discounts not given to a print book. If I like the author or the series, I'll usually go out and buy them in their physical form. 

The only other downside that I can see with using an eReader is that it means you are usually locked into reading a specific's brand format.  I have a Nook... or rather, I have three different types of Nooks and my husband and two of my daughters have the other types.  Should Barnes and Noble go out of business, my book library would essentially become useless and unreadable when the Nooks finally give up the ghost. Not too keen on investing in a huge library regardless of file type for that reason.

I read, on average, about 5-8 books a week. Yes, full length novels. I have the handicap of being able to read and absorb the written word far faster that most people which means I am often out of reading material.

Am I the only one that feels this way? Am I the only one who is thinking about what my future will look like without physical books? If you have an eReader, what kind do you have and why do you like it? Or not, as the case my be?

A Monday Of Rocks, Pebbles, Sand And Coffee...

I haven't had much time to read all my favorite blogs in quite a while and so I did not see a post by Rave of The Last Cordwainer until this past weekend.  It was her first post of the new year with her salutations and philosophy of life.  (I love your salutation Rave and agree that I am NOT special and several 'years' have not attacked me at once and so I am almost a month behind and more than several dollars short, but I still wanted to wish you a Happy New Year too!)

Rave's post stuck in my mind all weekend, so this morning, to find a peace of mind (or maybe a piece of my mind that has gone missing), I went to research the story she shared about a Philosophy Teacher's class and whether it had ever been published anywhere as I'm always looking for books to add to my 'The Giving Book Club' collection. Apparently it's been around for a long time and there are many different versions that all say essentially the same thing.

I could not discover who was the original author. So I've tried to find the most complete version to post here for me to add to my collection as a great reminder of minding what is important.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

Most agreed it was. 

The students laughed. Some of them were getting to know his pattern. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

Again he asked if the jar was full as he packed the sand down tightly.

Almost everyone agreed that it now must be full, after all, what else would fit, right?

It was then that the professor took his cup of coffee and slowly poured it into the sand, where it was absorbed and went in between the sand, the pebbles and the rocks.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

The Coffee though, that represents everything that is none of your business!

So often our lives are filled with the things that do not even belong to us, do not even concern us. If I filled this jar with coffee, what would happen with the first rock, the first pebble or even the first teaspoon of sand? The coffee would spill out and you would be left in a puddle of someone else’s business.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” 

Leave the coffee for someone else!

If Books Were Made Of Chocolate...

I remember having this conversation with someone and had doodled down the notes, as I often do with most things, but I failed to write a date or name on the darn thing. (I really need to get better about this).  I'm not even sure I'm getting it all right, because it was a long time ago and the scrap of paper I had written it down upon, I had used as a book mark, so it's not very big.

Chocolate you could read would be practically perfect. As long as it was good chocolate, but poor writing. If you got a good book worthy of saving, you could never eat it - nor could you reread it on sunny days. Also, I'd have to get divorced, because I've never been able to convince my husband that a person's chocolate is sacred. It's deeply annoying when he scarfs an entire box of my Godivas, but if he started eating my books... I'd have to have him put down. (Be great if you could do that - take the husband to the vet, stroke his nose kindly, and tell all your friends that he'd got a bit old and flatulent, so you'd had him put to sleep. Obviously, being a feeling woman, I'd tell the children he'd gone to live with a nice family in the country.)

Where was I?  Yes, product development. It's a good idea, but I think there's work to be done. You could write on the things that you always have, but never actually eat - like porridge oats, or French mustard, but then again, I can only imagine worthy literature on oats. Things you feel you ought to have read, but don't want to. Paradise Lost. It would have to be a book more like chocolate digestives - perfect with a cup of coffee, and you find you've eaten the whole packet without meaning to. 

Yes, if books were made of chocolate... sigh.  It's a lovely thought to ruminate on for the weekend.

QOTD: "There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." Oscar Levant (1906-1972) American Actor, Pianist and Composer.

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad...

Sometimes you just need to find something fun and humorous to waste your time on.  I woke up this morning and the wind chill was -11° which is not quite cold enough to close schools, much to the kids disappointment, and so humor was in short supply around casa de Lemon Stand.  The level of which dropped even further when I checked the weather report for the next 36 hours.  -25° wind chill is definitely NOT cause for celebration in my humble opinion.  Definitely not a "Calgon, take me away!" moment unless you are a polar bear or a penguin.

Still, I looked out my bedroom window and thought to myself, "Wow! I woke up this morning! And then, Hey! Who turned down the thermostat?"  Realizing that it was going to be a day of choosing what I let get to me, I decided to ask the question, "How much trouble can I get into?" Which would have, no doubt, amused my Mother-in-law because I'm sure all seven of her kids never had to ask themselves that question. It was just SOP (standard operating procedure) and the question would have been "What can I do (and get away with) to a sibling today."  If children wrangling were a winter sport, my Mother-in-law would have won a Gold Medal, every four years.

So, I ignore everything that hurts, heat up some hot apple cider, and decide it's a perfect day for digging up humor. Yes, I do believe a shovel is in order.  I haven't explored the humor of Groucho Marx lately (the post title not withstanding) and since the kids keep coming up with fake mustaches, it's seems to be a bit apropos to share this today.  Some of them surprised me, but they all made me laugh or smile.

QOTD:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

 ~ Groucho Marx (1890-1977) an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is still widely considered to be one of the best comedians of the modern era.

Life Lesson...

I recently had a talk with one of our daughters that has turned out to be one of those conversations that will forever remain etched into my brain.

Bad things happen to good people. We perceive what, through our eyes, we envy in others and that is their endless blessings and their seeming idiocy in taking them all for granted.  We do not see with their eyes, nor do they see with ours.  My grandfather once told me to never judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes and have seen life through their eyes. In other words, do not envy what you know nothing about, no matter how it looks from the outside looking in.

By the same token, do not put what you perceive as a cushion of safety and distance around yourself to keep you safe from possibly being hurt by others who could do so or let you down lest you tar everyone with the same brush and push away what could have become your greatest blessings and source of strength if you had only been brave enough to let them in. Bravery is not being unafraid, it is being afraid and trying anyway because the reason for it is that important and to not give up. The ONLY way you will fail at ANYTHING in life is to stop trying.

Not all people will let you down. Will some of them? Of course! Will YOU let someone down? Of course! Will you always let someone down?  That is for you to decide for you must also reach out and give the love, friendship and hope everyone needs to thrive and be happy in order to receive it.

Nobody controls everything in their lives, we don't even control most things and as children, we control even less.  As we age we begin to learn to control the only thing we truly can change and that is our own reactions to the events of the life we are living and have lived and those people around us. Make a difference in someone else's life in order to make a difference in your own.

I believe that all things happen for a reason and also that we can't always see the reason for it. If we could know all that would happen in our future, there would be no new beginning in every sunrise. No joy to be discovered with each new day, no satisfaction of a job well done or a difference made at the end of every new night.

Do not look on your past as if you are the moon that has been pitted and marred by those things that have hit and hurt it.  See instead the hand and chisel of a talented sculptor who still chips away at the rough edges to reveal the strength and beauty that awaits inside the lump of rock to yet be revealed.

QOTD: "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." ~ Michelangelo

I Think I've Discovered The Cure To Insomnia...

It's called a flu shot! I'm one of the people who can not win when it comes to the flu. If I don't get the flu shot, I get the flu. I DO get the flu shot, I get the flu. I think I will count myself lucky this time though because I have slept close to 24 hours and my eyelids still feel like I put cement eyeliner on them. I'm pretty sure it's not making a new fad in the world of fashion. Not that I seem to be able to stay awake long enough to check on this since.... since.... snore... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Automated Voice Menus...

Am I the only person who despises having to deal with automated menus when calling a doctor's office to make an appointment or a bank to ask why they suddenly charged you with new banking fees? I feel like my entire morning was wasted on:

1. Automated menus designed to torture someone idiotic enough to want answers.
2. 'Your call is important to us, so please stay on the line and your call will be answered by the next available representative'
3. 'I'm sorry for the wait time, but I need to transfer you to a different department to answer your question.'
4. 'Please enter your account number, zip code and the planet you were born on, followed by the pound sign.' (I've often wondered why the mental picture I have of this symbol is NOT a hatch mark, but instead a battered and bruised face?)
5. 'Can you hold?', 'No! Please don't put me on hold again!' click... 'Hello????'

Which made me dig out a post I did for the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline: 

You have reached the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline, if the cause of your distress is due to a person other than yourself, please press 1 and you will be connected with persons who have similar concerns about this individual.  They will then assist you in making plans on where to hide the body.

If the cause of your distress is due to your own behavior, please press 2 and you will be connected with a large burly male with a size 18 shoe named Sue who will be delighted to arrange for your emergency attitude adjustment appointment.

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident beyond your control, please press 3 and you will be connected to your mother, sibling, spouse or best friend for either a sympathetic ear and hug or an appointment at the nearest pub for a few rounds.  Please be advised that your mother would prefer the former, rather than the latter.

If the cause of your distress is due to an incident you are responsible for, please press 5 and you will be re-enrolled in a Kindergarten class of your choice.  This opportunity is being offered to you since it has been scientifically proven that anything you needed to learn about life, responsibility and getting along with others was learned there and it's obvious that you may need a refresher course. [Unless you happen to be my husband...]

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you have no control over, please press 6 and you will be connected with your therapist who will once again go over the concept of acceptance of what you can not change.  Afterward, please stay on the line and you will then be enrolled in a therapeutic art class where you may release your emotions onto canvas and then become an overnight sensation of the art world where people will pay you thousands of dollars for your 'angsty' accomplishments.

If the cause of your distress is due to a condition you DO have control over, please press 7 and you will be connected with your Father so that you may receive the benefit of his wisdom.  He will then ask you questions like: why you are allowing yourself to feel distress over something you DO have control over, what are your plans to not only survive this adversity, but to thrive on the opportunity, because really, that's what fathers are for. [Unless you happen to be one of our offspring]

If the cause of your distress is due to the universe in general and bad karma in particular, please press 8 and you will be connected to an astrologist who will read the heavens and tell you exactly what is distressing you and why.  After obtaining this information, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline phone and press the appropriate number for assistance.

If you truly do not know the cause of your distress, please press 9 and you will be connected with a travel agent who will book you a stay on a deserted isle for as long as needed in which to contemplate your situation.  Please be advised that the accommodations are single occupancy only for the greatest amount of quiet time in which to ponder your life.  Further, be advised that there is no electricity on this deserted island and therefore any electronic devices are discouraged.  When you have returned to civilization, please again call the Emergency Stress Relief Hotline and press the appropriate number for assistance.

For all other questions please press 0 and a customer service representative in India will be with you shortly.  If possible, please have a translator available for a translation of instructions, otherwise our customer service experts will be more than happy to stay on the line and attempt to communicate with you until you understand what they are trying to say or you have finally given up in frustration.

Thank you and have a nice day!

For Whoever Is Doing The Happy Snoopy Snow Dance...

Please sit this dance out or I may have to get ugly and tie your shoes together. 'Kay?

Tuesday Morning Ponderings...

 What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

 If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Family Questionnaire...

What member(s) of your family have learned, can understand, know where to find, know how to use, can identify or keep secret the exact nature of or reason for each of the following?

~ Why it is important to NOT use dish soap in a dishwasher...

~ Why it IS important to use laundry detergent when attempting to clean clothes... (and why putting twice the recommended amount will NOT get your clothes any cleaner... quite the opposite)

~ Why the exact location of emergency medical information, including everyone's allergies, medical conditions and current medication is important for all family members to know... and why your remaining lifespan will be measured in minutes if you share with your friends what your brother is REALLY taking those antibiotics for or that your father has a supply of BLUE pills in his medicine cabinet...

~ Where the remote controls to all the various electronic devices within your home can be found and why it is NOT 'he who hold's the remote control rules the world', but rather 'she who knows where she hid the batteries has attained true world dominance'...

~ How to change an empty toilet paper roll and why you should try to excel in the fine use of this skill before YOU end up being literally caught with your pants down...

~ What a bill is, why it must be paid and why bills multiply exponentially faster than rabbits when YOU are the one responsible for paying them...

~ What a toilet brush looks like, knowing which end of the toilet brush is most useful for it's intended purpose and why brandishing it like Luke Skywalker's light saber is not a good idea...

~ What the exact reason is why one should always fill up a gas tank when borrowing someone's car... even if they don't ask you to... and extend your life expectancy by paying any parking tickets you may have incurred while using said vehicle...

~ Why pantyhose is almost as useful as duct tape and why it's a good thing to have on hand, regardless of one's fashion preferences or gender...

~ What is a good sense of humor and why is it that the best quips and comebacks only occur to you when you are alone and there's no one to share your wit with...

~ Why your Mother is NOT your maid...  unless you are paying for her medical insurance, taxes, 401K, unemployment insurance, vacation days, over time and hazardous duty pay...

It is my personal belief that offspring don't learn how to pray until they move out and start opening bills addressed to them... that's when they learn the beginning of most prayers, "Oh my God!"

The Most Amazing Discovery... Again...

OK. I admit, I should have known better than to just link this on Facebook instead of reposting it. "Not everyone has or wants a FB page."  I GET it. I GOT it! (and you're lucky I'm allowing you to remain anonymous... sheesh!) Everyone else gets a free pass to post new intelligent comments, even ones that take pot shots at social media websites...

So for 'she who will not be named':

The Most Amazing Discovery...

Email from Me to my Husband: Honey, I’ve made the most amazing discovery!  There are other homo sapiens like you (other than our kids) after all.  I am sure you are so relieved!  Just look!

From Laura of Fetch My Flying Monkeys

J is a freedom-hating-Michael Kors-loathing Nazi and here's proof.

J: "I want you to take my credit card on vacation with you. I want you to only use in it in case there's an emergency." Hands me a black card.

Me: "Sweeeeet."

J: "Umm Laura, an emergency only, okay?"

Me: "Okay." Fondles card. "My Preciousssss."

J: "Maybe we should go over what constitutes an emergency."

Me: "If I see a Michael Kors purse 50% or more off."

J: "No, Laura. I was thinking about if there's an emergency on the road traveling."

Me: "So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand and they're selling Michael Kors purses 50% or more off."

J: "No. Do not use it to buy a Michael Kors purse."

Me: "Okay. So we're driving down the road and there's a roadside stand selling otters, and for every otter you buy you get a free Michael Kors purse."

J: --

Me: "Two free Michael Kors purses per otter?"

J: "I'm not kidding, Laura. Use it for emergencies ONLY."

Me: "Like in case there's a zombie attack?"

J: Sighs. "Zombie attacks would constitute as an emergency, yes."

Me: "Like for buying weapons, right?"

J: "Yes, you can buy weapons on it in case of zombie attack."

Me: "And bullets? Lots of bullets?"

J: "Yes. In case of zombie attack you can use it for weapons and lots of bullets."

Me: "And a Michael Kors purse to keep the bullets in?"

J: "Give me my card back."

Me to Husband: Honey, I am also sending a copy of this post to our (five) daughters (who are convinced a zombie invasion is imminent) just to make sure they are prepared. Gotta tell them to make sure they get a Michael Kors purse to put the bullets in... then, it's not a purse, it's a supply chest... Right?

Husband: Who is Michael Kors, and will a purse made by him hold a chainsaw and/or M249 SAW magazine? How many nadgrenades can it hold? Are the seams double stitched so it won't spill my 12 gauge rounds while knocking down zombies with it?

Me: What are nadgrenades?

Husband: Sorry typo on a small keyboard, insert hand grenades, either GP (general purpose) or white phosphorus...

Me: This one would be PERFECT!!!  MICHAEL KORS Darrington Shoulder Tote, Taupe  995.00

(That would be the amount of American dollars required to acquire said specimen. Zombies optional.) Since we have five daughters and myself... we'd need six of them... but wait!  It's taupe!  It would look fabulous with any of your fashionable desert camouflage wardrobe... In that case then, we would need 7 of these babies, please. Since you ARE currently stuck in Las Vegas, perhaps you could take advantage of the opportunity to earn a few extra dollars shakin' your bootie?

Love,
your wife and daughters...

Husband: Bootie? I think I broke it, however if you allow me to withdraw the mortgage money, I'm sure I can double it...

Me: Sigh.  Well, if your bootie is broken, perhaps you could rent yourself out as an executive level escort?  As for the mortgage money, no.  We really do need to buy these Michael Kor Handbags with money not already earmarked for current expenses.  This is strictly so that we can be ready for when the Zombies DO attack.  I do believe we will have a little time for you to work the magic of your sparkling personality.

Husband: I am too old for an "escort service".  I have thought about a side job as a thong model, perhaps some conservative right-wing loud mouth will pay me in a subtle reverse psychology attack on the male undergarment industry.

Me: A thong model? Hmmmm.  That sounds like it has potential... How soon do you think you could get started?  I, personally, would not pay for the thongs, but the pictures DO sound like they might have promise....

Husband: As soon as...

A. I can find one in green (of course).
B. Get limber enough to strut properly, probably not any time soon.
C. File the necessary environmental impact statement. It's Friday the day after a federal holiday, I'm sure the EPA is swamped.

Me: Why would you need an environmental impact statement?  Afraid to shock the squirrels?  Scare the bears?  Besides, I think you'll look much better in a thong than I will...

Husband: Not according to the maid…

Me: OK.  I guess I need to become resigned about our inability to fend off the zombies....

Husband: Just rethink the plan. We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...

Me: Riiiiggght.  Unfortunately, "Don't worry... the zombies are looking for brains.  You're safe." only applies to our daughters and I really didn't want to have to sacrifice you like that... Sentimental reasons, you know.  Thirty years and you've kinda grown on me.  I have you trained almost to perfection.  Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

7 Intelligent Comments:

Mrs. Who said...

We don't have children, we have 5 opportunities to distract them...

Damn...we've already sent two of ours off...down to two distractions!

Y'all crack me up! :)

November 12, 2010 10:54 PM

VW said...

I was snickering until I hit this line: Still... I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl’s gotta do...

and then I laughed out loud. You two are originals.

November 13, 2010 6:02 AM

LeeAnn said...

If H ever wanted to email, we'd have conversations like that. Probably with more cussing, but that's just us.
I love it.

November 13, 2010 8:32 AM

Lemon Stand said...

"I just read your conversation with your husband (notice "not my brother"), I am pretty sure Mom said the mold was broken after he was born so there really can't be another one like him. Really!~ Me" ~ my SIL, whom I shall let remain anonymous (although you DO realize he sometimes DOES read my posts when he's really bored... or needs a sleep aid...) ~ If the mold was broken 'after he was born', then it sure looks like someone glued it back together... LS

Mrs. Who - one can always live in hope that the zombie invasion won't begin until there is some sort of family get together... just so you can make full use of all your opportunities...

VW - I DO love him dearly. However, I know that he feels the exact same sentiment. So in his words, "It's a dog eat dog world, and we're all wearing milk bone underwear."

LeeAnn - Ah, but I have to admit that most of our conversations have to be edited. Cuss words are not left unheard of in this house.(the decibel level of which, is an indicator of how well a building or repair project is going for my husband) In most of our cases, it is the realm of depths to which EVERYONE in the family can sink to... with the husband as an example or the instigator of how such an achievement can be reached. I used to think he had warped our kids... now I just realize that through some fluke of nature, they only got all of HIS DNA. :)

November 13, 2010 9:52 AM

Andy said...

Ain't it grand to be hitched to a friend?

Thanks for the glimpse.

Seriously, thanks. That put a big smile on my ugly old mug this morning.

November 13, 2010 10:58 AM

Felicitas Linda said...

LMAO That was Epic!

November 13, 2010 3:28 PM

Lemon Stand said...

Andy - you are most welcome... I take it you have a problem with an ugly old mug in the morning? Man... you should really have yourself a pretty nap at least once a day... I hear it improves your condition... just sayin' :)

Linda - The unedited version was even better, but alas... I'm attempting to keep this blog family friendly.... for families that are obviously other than mine...

Still, You all have missed the perfect opportunity to go read a post at Laura's blog... I DID put the link in. Really. I really love to lurk there. (Just don't eat or drink while reading... oh, and I guess I must also warn you that breathing while reading her blog has proven to be a health hazard for me... can't laugh, snort, cough and breath at the same time... guess I'm a failure at multi-tasking...)

November 13, 2010 8:51 PM

 reposted from 10 Nov 2010

Warning! Positive Thoughts Ahead...

I may look calm, but in my head, I've killed you three times.

I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to not slap an idiot today... Amen.

"My mother told me to never speak ill of people. So let me just say you are a marvelously articulate chimp."

I can't remember where I found some of this and I know I've posted this positive message before but I am feeling too sick to research it, so just work with me here.  OK?

QOTD: "Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." ~ William Dement, in Newsweek, 1959

Thoughts That May Wander Through Your Brain When You Are Having A Really Bad Day...

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they sure do have some good ideas!

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.